“Nice guys never win.”
I hear it so often and roll my eyes at the obvious generalization of it.
However, then I think back to all the “nice” guys in my life. The ones that I loved to spend time with, but never shared a romantic attraction. I’ve always liked the guys who seemed just permanently outside of my grasp. In their elusive nature, I would fight to win their affections, while the affections of the “nice” guys stagnated around me.
While I am not sure I can say confidently that I am not a self-destructive lighthouse for douchebags, I have noticed this pattern exists among many of my friends, my mom even.
My mom always bemoaned how men were selfish heartbreakers. I can think back to my Aunt always telling my mom to stop going for the big-biceps-bro types. That if she went for the nice, mellow guys, that maybe she could find lasting love. But she couldn’t do it. My Aunt held out for the “nice” guy and is now living quite the dream (with the exception of Football Sundays when the Chiefs play the Broncos; no amount of “nice-guy-ness” can replace the passion of NFL fandom).
So why do nice guys usually not win?
I think Stephen Chbosky says it best in The Perks of Being a Wallflower:
For so long, I thought that I knew “love.” I thought I was so special that a handsome man would be able to see past my jelly rolls and late night grading sessions to love me. In fact, it was such a special rarity that I knew I had to cling to it for fear that it would never happen again. How could someone love a neurotic workaholic with too much jiggle? How could someone love a “fun-sucking” fat girl?
Someone like that must be pretty special…
So what if he yells at me?
So what if he is high all the time?
So what if he steals from me?
So what if he cheats on me?
So what if he doesn’t love me?
I couldn’t believe that someone could love me when I definitely couldn’t love myself, but what I didn’t realize is all of the self-love meant for me, I funneled into someone else.
Rupi Kaur describes this phenomenon in milk and honey:
Depending on who you are, it could be a sincere wish or a harrowing curse, but I hope that you receive the love you deserve.
Nice guys, start demanding it.
You are worth it.
Nice girls, stop accepting any less.
You are worth it.