You Expect Me To Make A Decision For A Title?

I hate making decisions. It is not because I am an impulsive person, but instead because I am incredibly thorough with my analysis of consequences.

Going to tea with old students: do I order a green tea for detoxification purposes or black because I would rather have the caffeine? A decision like that usually takes about 5 minutes of debating and then finally a breathless order because the barista is looking emphatically for a response. It is immediately followed by a singe of regret. I like to think I am being hyperbolic now, but this entire exchange may have happened yesterday.

So when it comes to big decisions like should we get married? Should we break up? Should I move out? Should I sell my house? Should I find a roommate? I am usually catatonic. It isn’t that I am lazy; it is just that making a decision means altering the contentment of “now” for potentially positive and inevitably some negative consequences.

A Neurotic’s 15-Step Guide to Making a Change
(for once in your life… gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference, gonna make it right!)

  1. Obsess over the future.
  2. Over-analyze the present to determine that imagined future is not possible with the current circumstances.
  3. Acknowledge that something must change.
  4. Delineate the pro’s and con’s of each decision with a map of the next twelve consequences of each choice. (Note: this step can take weeks!)
  5. Follow the pathway with the least negative consequences.
  6. Make the decision.
  7. Try really, really hard not to change your mind because of the “well, what about…?” rabbit hole.
  8. Decide to go with Option #2.
  9. Tell everyone you know your change of plans.
  10. Upon feeling more regret, regress back to the first decision.
  11. Tell all of your friends. Seriously. You mean it this time.
  12. Immediately feel the regret again.
  13. Confer with your friends. Apparently, they are frustrated with your fickle behavior.
  14. Decide to not change anything because altering the status quo is too risky.
  15. Do not make any changes.

Repeat every one to three days.

Do you have a better process?



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